Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
