fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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