guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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