you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
