Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think i have two assholes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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