making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
