Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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