Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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