I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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