Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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