I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
