i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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