Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
