and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize