I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
