First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was confusing and full of hummus
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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