Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
