I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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