life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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