We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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