Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
