My cat gives me a boner
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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