i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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