totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
