I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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