Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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