And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
