my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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