don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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