I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
