he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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