So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
