You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
