i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
