She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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