im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
