My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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