Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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