She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
