when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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