Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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