Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
