I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
