I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
