Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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