just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
