I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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