Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
