I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
