Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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