omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
